Addicted To Baud - Or How I Came to Hate Telecomms Companies Even More

So this is my first and hopefully final rant about living in paradise. Firstly I should qualify everything I say from here on in by stating that I am an addict. I am hopelessly addicted to the internet, and, as with all addictions, I only realise how bad things are when I'm denied my daily fix. I do realise that sitting in a room manipulating pixels on a screen is not fully compatible with the Northern Beaches lifestyle, even less so in the middle of the summer holidays. Combine this with a hopeless sense of idealism about what is after all just a means to an end, and problems arise.

However, not all of my ire is self-inflicted.

All I want is an internet connection. A reasonable speed, unlimited access at a reasonable price. Australia is remote on a world scale, but not a developing country, and I am living in the most populated part of it. So, you'd think, a decent internet service is not unreasonable. Hmmm...

During my research I found that dial up is still commonplace, this should have rung alram bells, but I persisted.
I then found that cable and ADSL are widespread, at speeds of up to 20mb. Cable isn't available in my area so that focussed me on ADSL.
ADSL of course requires a home phone line, in this case from Telstra. Further research uncovered frightening parallels to BT.
However, wireless is a very strong contender, but there are problems here too.


So here's the 'skinny':

ADSL was limited to BigPond (Telstra's broadband offshoot) - prices start at $29.95 per month for a feeble 256Kbps service (basically like ISDN) and an anaemic download/upload limit of 200mb per month. Thereafter a charge of 15c for every Mb is inflicted. And you also have the added bonus of a $30 per month for the line rental and a white (plastic) elephant of a home phone.

Bigpond also do wireless but it's hideously expensive. For a 15gb download limit and 'whopping' theoretical speeds of 7Mbps it costs $99 per month, oh! and you have to pay $299 for a modem, unless you sign up for 2 years.

'3', Vodafone and Virgin all do broadband services through the 3G mobile service, this provides a 3Mbps connection (in ideal circumstances) but it is available almost everywhere.

Both Vodafone and Virgin want 2 year contracts so that was out. Leaving me with '3', who offer a 1gb limit for $29 a month and 5gb for $99 a month, and 10c for every Mb thereafter. Christ. I'm confused. I really need to talk face to face with someone about all this.

Okay, needs must, I'm already not happy about this limited use thingy, but I do need a connection, so I brave Warringah Mall on Hogmanay and enquire in the various comms shops about what they can offer.

'3' seems to win so I return a couple of days later armed with my new Australian bank account details, passport, driving licence, tenancy agreement, inland revenue statement from the UK and every other scrap of paper I can find to prove I'm not an international conman.

The tenancy agreement, for some reason, is no proof of where I live (huh?), however, a combination of everything else seems to work. I sit with the very helpful but inexperienced assistant and fill out the credit check online. After 15 minutes of establishing that I am who I am, live where I live, and earn what I earn, I am declined. No explanation. No help. So, that leaves me with the option of putting it through Mandy's name. Which will have to wait until her anti-social working hours permit.

2 days later I return, armed with my girlfriend who is, to all intents, an Australian citizen for the next 4 years. The tenancy agreement rears its useless head again and, under advisement from the less experienced and less useful member of staff, we have to go to the nearest Westpac branch and get a stamped statement from them as proof of address. We return to the '3' shop waiving our proof of address like Neville Chamberlain, and, as I'm sure you've all predicted, it is just as useless. I can barely hold my own resentment back, but combine that with Mandy's considerably more potent venom and I fear that the name '3' might indicate another war.

It appears that the UK government, the Australian Immigration service, Australia's second largest bank, Australia's largest energy supplier, the DVLA and the Inland Revenue are not good enough references for these muppets.

So now we are both fizzin. We can wait to receive utility bills and I can try and sustain my businesses using the local library's free service for the next month, or I can sell off my ideals and sign up with Bigpond. And. of course, they will probably require 5 generations of my family to be present when I sign the contract, as well as Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the bloody donkey.

I take a punt, and with eyes pleading heavenwards head into the Bigpond shop and ask the assistant whether DNA samples will be required to sign up. 'Almost nothing' he says. I am understandably cynical. But, it appears, we have crossed the Rubicon. I do have to sign up for a home phone and, all in all, it will cost $89 per month for a 1.5Mbps ADSL line. 3 months free though. And a 15gb limit. I almost feel grateful.

I know why the situation here is so backward. It has nothing to do with geography, it's all about will. The parallels between Telstra and BT are spooky. Privatised national dinosaurs holding onto their monopolies till the end. They think it's for their own good, but ultimately it's everyone's expense. Economies suffer. The remoter you are the more you have to gain with the internet. It's not a privilege any more, it's a right.

But none of this can help the staff in the '3' shop, Warringah Mall.

It seems that on the 'Insular Peninsula', crystal-methamphetamine is easier to get than a decent broadband connection.

I am sorely tempted.........

P.S.: I have recently found out that Australia's internet service and telecomms system has been recognised as the worst in the 'developed world'. I am also finding out that the parallels between Thatcher's government and Howard's government are frightening. I'm hoping that 'Kevin 07' takes some inspiration from Blair '97, with regards to communications.

Things can only get better.

P.P.S.: I finally received an internet connection on the 23rd of January. My mind has thankfully began the process of recovery and started to erase a lot of the details. All of the above, it turns out, was only the start of a journey into the depths of truly abyssmal customer service. Telstra and Bigpond - Arses and elbows. (At least I can tell them apart). I've only been here a few weeks and already started a new 'Shit List'. And these two companies are joint first.